One of life's great mysteries

by Keith Reynolds

New Perspectives

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It’s March break in Saugeen Shores and many other parts of the province.  The weather has been beautiful and the sunshine almost inescapable.  I’m on holidays this week with my family and recently finished a book by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate called, Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.  Neufeld is a clinical psychologist in Vancouver who has spent much of his working life trying to understand child development.  Mate is a physician who works in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside.

What impressed me about this book is the significant role attachment plays in development.  Attachment means a strong bond, a clear link and a home base for children as they grow.  A parent or parents are meant to offer this. 

While much tells us to get children involved and independent, to grow up away from us, this book explains that children thrive through attached relationships.  Children thrive when they know they are safe, loved and cared for.  Holding on is not the same as grasping.  Holding on does not equal control.  Children grow into independence and involvement by first blooming where they are planted.  Holding on is like the soil surrounding a plant.  The soil supports and provides nourishment for the plant to grow as it will.

This isn’t easy as parents or caregivers.  It requires patience, perspective and other people to help us along the way.  I’m a parent of three children and the place of other trusted adults in our children’s lives has a large influence in my understanding of “it takes a village to raise a child.”  The way is not all that clear for me, nor do I get it right as often as I would like.  What I am realizing more and more, though, is the great gift we give our children and grandchildren by staying close to them:  to attentively listen, to creatively play together, to tenderly touch, to read and tell stories with each other.

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Tuesday, March 16, 2010